Firsts, sustenance, guest bookselling

Approximately-weekly news, #87

Hello again, dear friends. It is somehow more than two weeks since Beloved Mr. Butland died, and more than three weeks since he went into hospital. Which means that it is somehow three weeks since I have not had my person by my side*. This is all unfathomable to me. I suppose such great losses are; or, they become fathomable bit by tiny bit.

Here are some of the things I have done for the first time:

• paid for a cremation

• cried because I bought one scone in a shop where I always used to buy two

• read the gas meter**

• said the words ‘I am a widow’ and ‘My husband died recently’ out loud***

• watched ‘Taskmaster’ on my own

• cried because I couldn’t bear to go in to our favourite ice-cream parlour****

• gone through a Big Life Thing in adulthood without Lou.

And here are some of the things that are sustaining me:

• all of the flowers. If you have sent some, thank you. My house***** smells of stocks and peonies and there is brightness everywhere and it makes the rooms full of life and colour when they could have been so bleak.

• the prayers and upholding and ‘sending you love’ and ‘thinking of you’ messages. They make the world a less lonely place.

• trying to notice small things that are beautiful, or interesting, and letting myself focus on them for a few minutes. Like this be-swanned coffee.

  

• going through photographs ahead of Alan’s Celebration of Life next week and being reminded of just how much joy he found in life, and love, and theatre, and ice cream, and cake.

  

• going through Alan’s diaries and notebooks and finding how often there is a photograph of me tucked between the pages.

• talking about Alan with people who knew him, and being grateful for everyone who valued him.

• taking people at their word when they offer to help, and not doing hard things on my own.

• walking Harris in the morning, leaving my phone at home, just thinking and looking and breathing deep.

• writing. I am revising my new novel and absorbing myself in the world of Lost For Words is such a satisfying escape.

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  For everyone who asked how Harris is doing: he is sticking pretty close to me, and he is resting up in case he is needed in an emergency.

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This week’s permission slip:

you have permission to rest.

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This Saturday, as part of the celebrations for Independent Bookshop Week, I am going to be Guest Bookselling****** at Forum Books in Corbridge between 2pm and 4pm. It would be so good to see you! I’ll have Lost For Words badges with me, free to anyone who wants one. (Other merch here.)

I think that’s it from me. I hope this makes sense. (I can’t tell.)

Love your people, my friends, and thank you again for being here.

Stephanie x

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*except he is of course

**I know, I am an absolute disgrace to feminism

***Not to the same person, on two different phone calls. Though when asked what I do I have been known to say ‘I’m a novelist, I write novels’, as though to prove this cannot possibly be true

****the one I went to last week was our second-favourite

*****another first: all the times I am saying ‘my’ instead of ‘our’, which ought to make me feel grown up but in reality just hurts my heart

******They are calling it guest bookselling, I’m treating it like a job interview